Sibling Rivalry

If you have a sibling or have more than one child of your own, then you have undoubtedly experienced sibling rivalry. 

Why is sibling rivalry such a common problem?

Children are very egocentric.  They thrive on undivided attention from everyone, but especially their parents. This peaks between the ages of 18 months and 3 years.

It is during this time period that a child is learning to differentiate himself from his parents and learning what he can control and what he cannot.  The ""terrible two's" are especially well known for driving adults crazy as the child develops coping strategies to deal with what they cannot control.

These strategies often include temper tantrums, throwing things, hitting and biting.  Every child goes through this developmental phase.  Personality traits and caregiver nurturing techniques will affect the duration of this process.

In the midst of this very important developmental period, along comes a new variable: the new baby.  Now the attention of the parents is divided between two or more children, and now the friction begins.

Siblings can have vastly different personalities.  Their personality traits will affect how much they appreciate their siblings and how they resolve conflict with their siblings.

Are there ways to prevent sibling rivalry?

Having only one child would be the only sure-fire way to prevent sibling rivalry.

Behavioral experts believe spacing children four years apart will reduce rivalry because only one child will be going through the very demanding period discussed above at a time.  But intentionally spacing your children just to reduce sibling rivalry probably isn't practical.

Children that are four years apart in age will always be at different developmental stages with different interests creating a different set of challenges for a parent to deal with.

I will tell you that parents who have a " low maintenance" first child and have a second child before the first has turned two years old have a very rough time, especially when the second child turns out to have a "high maintenance" personality.  The baby comes home, the older sibling hits the "terrible two's" and the parent feels "stress".

What can parents do to reduce sibling rivalry?

Be attentive, be positive and be consistent.  Children want parental attention.  It doesn't seem to matter if this is positive or negative attention.  The most effective way to get attention quickly is to be naughty.  Children learn this very quickly.

They misbehave just as your settling in to nurse the new baby.  They pick a fight with their sibling just as you are trying to make dinner.  Taking a few minutes to play and set the child up to continue in the activity can reduce acting-out.  Make an effort to notice and praise good behavior.

I am not one to promote a rigid schedule, but I do think having consistent meal times and bed times can do a lot to improve family harmony.  Cranky children are hard to deal with and sleepy or hungry children are generally cranky.

Try to give each child the attention she needs, and remember that is not always equal between children.  One of your children may need 110% of your time, while the other is happy with much less.  Don't feel guilty about that.

Teach your children that there are "personal" things and "family" things.  "Personal" things must be respected and protected and "family" things must be shared.

What is the peak times for sibling rivalry?

Sibling rivalry tends to peak at several different times.  The first is with the arrival of the new baby.  The "one and only" now has to share the world as she knows it with another who is getting a lot of attention!

The next potential peak is when the new baby is 4 months old.  Now the new baby is cooing, smiling, laughing, rolling, reaching for toys and demanding much more attention.  It is hard to ignore a 4-month-old!

The next peak is between 9 months to a year when the second child becomes mobile.  Now the play worlds, which are so important to the older child, are vulnerable to the destructive powers of the newly mobile sibling.

What can parents do to prepare a child for the arrival of a sibling?

Don't try to prepare the child too early.  Children have very little concept of time and expecting them to stay interested and excited for eight months is not practical.  Getting books and videos on a new sibling six to eight weeks before the due date will give him plenty of time.  Certainly he will hear you talking about the baby before this time, but there is no need to focus on it.

Make changes well before the arrival of the new baby or plan them for well after the baby is born.  This would include changing rooms, moving from a crib to a bed, or daycare changes.

Be realistic about what a new baby is really like.

A child expecting a play mate is going to be disappointed with a helpless newborn that takes all mommy's time, cries a lot and makes dirty diapers!  Giving the older child a gift from mommy and daddy to commemorate the arrival of the new baby is one thing, having the baby giving the gift is confusing.

Make sure the older child is comfortable with the support caregivers: grandparents, sitters or family friends, well before the arrival of the new baby.  The arrival of a new sibling is often a time when the older child strengthens his attachment to his father.

Try to keep things in perspective.

People do not always get along with one another.  We learn as we grow to tolerate things that bother us and to handle conflict without verbal or physical abuse.  As a parent, you are helping your children to learn these skills.  Siblings do not have to love each other, they do not even have to like each other, but they do have to live together and they do have to learn to get along.  Fortunately, most siblings eventually become very bonded to each other.